I'M DYING.....

Wow, I never thought I'd feel like this...I never thought I'd have so many questions in such a short period of time. As I sit here in my office in Canada, my mind runs through all that has happened over the first quarter of my life. As I reflect, I can honestly say that I barely recognize myself anymore. I think to myself, will people even know me anymore? What will they say? How will they respond? This really hurts...I was always told that dying wasn't easy and for some iT can be a very scary thing but as I sit here just having received the news from God, that I am "dying" it hits me...That this is it...No going back, no turning the hands of time...Its over and life as I know it will never exist again...

As I sit here, I must say that I am hurting but relieved at the same time. Over the years I've had so many thoughts, to do so many things, to go so many places and to meet so many people...and you mean to tell me that it's all over...Wow, as tears roll down my face at just the thought of what this means...I can say that I am thankful that God extended his grace for me to do things my way for so long, all while being under the impression that I was "Oh so submitted and surrendered". The truth is: I was submitted, to me that is. I had lived a surrendered life but it was to me, myself, and I.

Sure, I left everything and everyone that was familiar to me behind, years ago when I first moved to the Caribbean and then again, now living in Canada but I'm confronted daily that, that was not Good enough...He wants it ALL...I sit here in disbelief that He (My Daddy- My King) could possibly ask me to give more than what I've given... I mean really God? What more is there to give?? Did I mention I'll be 26 in less than a week, devoted my entire (partial- So glad pride gets buried today) life to God's will since the age of 8, I'm a proud virgin, no husband in sight, and the thoughts of having a family one day, are so far away that there isn't even a blurred image in the backdrop of the scene before me.

 I've been wondering why my thoughts have been so scattered, why nothing really makes a lot of sense...I minister at church quite often, work as the Associate Pastor at the fastest growing ministry in the city, and I am surrounded with some of the most amazing people that I've ever met that I call family and friends....BUT, there is this nagging feeling that pulls me out of myself daily...I fight it..I've even come up with some solutions that I can't even bare to share. How selfish and self centered of me...But it All comes to an End today...

The way I see it, I have no other option. I have no other choice. "I AM DYING"...You see in this faith walk, people decide how much of themselves they want to give but for me I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. I heard God say A LONG time ago that He wanted all of me and He meant it..Yes, He's come for my LIFE and He wants it NOW....Whew! This is so hard for me..I've been fighting it for some time now. Well, not exactly...I had just convinced myself that "I had already died" but the truth was I was very much alive, even in the sacrifice of giving up everything that was comfortable to me. I was still alive. BUT the time has come for me to officially bury everything....In Luke 14:25-27 Jesus gives me (AND YOU) clear instructions on what it means to be a disciple and follow Him. It means to DIE!!! I can no longer convince myself that I am disciple, while hoping and wishing that ALL of my dreams will be CO-SIGNED by God...That they will make the cut and that He will put his stamp of approval on it...That is not a true disciple..A true disciple has no dreams outside of that which God gives...A true disciple has nothing to be co-signed because their very life is SIGNED by God the Creator. I will be like Simon and Andrew (Mark 1:18).....My net has been DROPPED!!!

So, I share with you, that all of my dreams, all of my plans, all of my wants, all of ME has been buried and no longer lives... My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20