I'M DYING.....

Wow, I never thought I'd feel like this...I never thought I'd have so many questions in such a short period of time. As I sit here in my office in Canada, my mind runs through all that has happened over the first quarter of my life. As I reflect, I can honestly say that I barely recognize myself anymore. I think to myself, will people even know me anymore? What will they say? How will they respond? This really hurts...I was always told that dying wasn't easy and for some iT can be a very scary thing but as I sit here just having received the news from God, that I am "dying" it hits me...That this is it...No going back, no turning the hands of time...Its over and life as I know it will never exist again...

As I sit here, I must say that I am hurting but relieved at the same time. Over the years I've had so many thoughts, to do so many things, to go so many places and to meet so many people...and you mean to tell me that it's all over...Wow, as tears roll down my face at just the thought of what this means...I can say that I am thankful that God extended his grace for me to do things my way for so long, all while being under the impression that I was "Oh so submitted and surrendered". The truth is: I was submitted, to me that is. I had lived a surrendered life but it was to me, myself, and I.

Sure, I left everything and everyone that was familiar to me behind, years ago when I first moved to the Caribbean and then again, now living in Canada but I'm confronted daily that, that was not Good enough...He wants it ALL...I sit here in disbelief that He (My Daddy- My King) could possibly ask me to give more than what I've given... I mean really God? What more is there to give?? Did I mention I'll be 26 in less than a week, devoted my entire (partial- So glad pride gets buried today) life to God's will since the age of 8, I'm a proud virgin, no husband in sight, and the thoughts of having a family one day, are so far away that there isn't even a blurred image in the backdrop of the scene before me.

 I've been wondering why my thoughts have been so scattered, why nothing really makes a lot of sense...I minister at church quite often, work as the Associate Pastor at the fastest growing ministry in the city, and I am surrounded with some of the most amazing people that I've ever met that I call family and friends....BUT, there is this nagging feeling that pulls me out of myself daily...I fight it..I've even come up with some solutions that I can't even bare to share. How selfish and self centered of me...But it All comes to an End today...

The way I see it, I have no other option. I have no other choice. "I AM DYING"...You see in this faith walk, people decide how much of themselves they want to give but for me I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. I heard God say A LONG time ago that He wanted all of me and He meant it..Yes, He's come for my LIFE and He wants it NOW....Whew! This is so hard for me..I've been fighting it for some time now. Well, not exactly...I had just convinced myself that "I had already died" but the truth was I was very much alive, even in the sacrifice of giving up everything that was comfortable to me. I was still alive. BUT the time has come for me to officially bury everything....In Luke 14:25-27 Jesus gives me (AND YOU) clear instructions on what it means to be a disciple and follow Him. It means to DIE!!! I can no longer convince myself that I am disciple, while hoping and wishing that ALL of my dreams will be CO-SIGNED by God...That they will make the cut and that He will put his stamp of approval on it...That is not a true disciple..A true disciple has no dreams outside of that which God gives...A true disciple has nothing to be co-signed because their very life is SIGNED by God the Creator. I will be like Simon and Andrew (Mark 1:18).....My net has been DROPPED!!!

So, I share with you, that all of my dreams, all of my plans, all of my wants, all of ME has been buried and no longer lives... My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20
                                                         

                              

NO MORE SNACKS!!!

NO MORE SNACKS
 

Everyone has had a snack at some point in their lives....And at some point we have all lost our appetite for meals due to the intake of excessive amounts of snacks! An interesting thing happens when you eat snacks, your appetite decreases for what you are "waiting" for and your hunger is curved because it has been "artificially satisfied". A few weeks ago, God spoke to me and gave me one of the most amazing downloads. By the end of our conversation I was sure of one thing,  that I would no longer "snack" as a means to satisfy a craving, void, desire, aspiration, goal or dream that can only be filled by what God HIMSELF has prepared at my table for me. (I have a table and you do too...And everything at that table has been prepared personally for you..Don't snack on "that", that's not even your table!)

 

Now I know...many of you may be reading this and saying to yourself, "What's the big deal? A snack here and there never hurt anyone... Wrong! If we be honest about the matter, we often snack in various ways that have decreased our desire and hunger for that which God is preparing for us. Let's take a non-spiritual appraoch for a moment. Have you ever gone to a restaurant, anticipating the amazing meal that you have been craving and seeing images of your television screen? And have you ever in the "waiting" period of your meal had a few "biscuits, rolls, etc."? And have you ever said to yourself "I should'nt have eaten all of that "bread" because now I no longer have "room" or an appetite for the main "meal"? Chances are your response to these questions are yes! This very fact alone proves that there is indeed a problem with snacking and no longer having an appetite for that which you have been waiting for.The truth is that, the "snack" are artificial "fillers". Please be aware that snacks come in the form of unhealthy eating, relationships, jobs, environments, superficial gain and such (just name a few).

The interesting fact about this concept that I am titling "no more snacks" is that most of the time, if not all of the time, the snacks that we are indulging in taste so Good (or as I would say YumO). They artificially satisfy our hunger and by the time that which has been prepared comes out for our enjoyment, we have no room for it. Friends, in this same way we "snack" as we wait on God for that "new job, promotion, relationship,house,baby, etc." We allow our time, energy, thoughts, and in many ways our hearts to become accesible to people and things that will artificially satisfy those desires, knowing that it will only be temporary. What I've learned is that most of us have lost sight of what has been promised and we grab hold of a "Well, in the meantime I mine as well" mentality and it becomes detrimental to our "waiting process". Let's toss that "stinking thinking" (In the words of Joyce Meyer) out the window for good.

I can honestly say to you that as I approach 26 years of age in a few weeks, I've taken a look over my life and all that God has done in just the past few moments.....and I stand amazed. He told me that this year would be my "Greater Year" and few weeks ago He revealed to me that what He was saying, was that it would be a greater year of attained wisdom, discernment, transparency, passion for Kingdom, and Consistency. While I had thought something totally different, He once again reminded me that my ways are not His, neither are my thoughts (snacks). I can boldly say that as I remain pure before the Lord, in preparation of the publishing of my 2009 book, Discipleship Curriculum created this year, and also the arrival of my husband (wherever he may be)...I too, have been tempted to snack as I wait. However, what I believe God desires for us to know is that how we posture ourselves "As we wait"  will ultimately determine the capacity in which we will have to receive that which we are waiting for. If we continue to snack we will have no room for that which is being prepared at our "table", neither will we have a desire for it. The latter part becomes more detrimental because you can have room for something, but if you have lost your "appetite/desire" for it...then its as good as not even being presented. You will be completely disinterested...Don't allow that!

In closing, I say to you don't allow yourself to be artificially satisfied by people, jobs, success, accomplishments, or worldly gain for time being when God is trying to give you something that will last. Sure, the company of that person might be great but if they are a "snack" they will ulitmately have you lose your appetite for that which God has prepared. The job may be wonderful but if you are constantly drained and possbily even placed in unethical decision making scenarios, than that job is just a "snack", ultimately draining you of time and energy that could be used towards the "prepared meal (job) that has been created just for you.

I encourage every reader to seriously consider all that has been read and desires in your heart that you are waiting to receive, and ask yourself..."Am I losing my appetite because I contiue to snack as a means to artificialy fill my desire/craving for that which is being prepared?" If you can honestly check off some areas of your life, where you know that you have been "snacking" just for the sake of it (In the mean time) make a committment today to have "NO MORE SNACKS" and to patiently wait on the "meal" that has been prepared....I can promise you one thing..."SNACKS will have you lose your appetite by artificially filling you and then leaving you empty...Hungry for the "Real Meal".

NO MORE SNACKS